Fathers...

I'm not really sure I should 'blog' this so I'm going to type it up and hold on to it for a little while, read over it and MAYBE I'll hit the 'Publish Post' button. I can always go back and delete it right?

So most of you know Lora Kathryn does not have her father. This was a choice I made for her well-being and for our well-being together. I made this choice for a brighter, happier future for my child. Michael has never really done anything for Lora Kathryn. He has called occasionally to check on 'his daughter' and I am very vague. To me she's my daughter and not his. He's a very unstable and dangerous person. There may be some that do not agree with this mindset of mine. However, I never thought I'd be here in this single mom position with a person who is not a father, not a daddy, just a person that gave me Lora Kate. Of that, however, I am endlessly thankful. However, he has done so much to burn all the bridges and all the MILLIONS of chances I tried to give him. He chose time and time again the drugs in his life over the angel that God blessed us with. I have, over the past 2 years, sought lots of advice from friends who grew up with 'fathers' that were in and out, with narcotic and/or alcohol dependence. It is by the guidance from God, the help of my friends and the help of my family that I have chosen what I feel like is the best life for Lora Kathryn.
Without diving into too much detail, I haven't heard from Michael in over a month. I don't know where he is or what he's doing. There are days when I wonder if he's even alive. And that's sad but true. I have changed all of my contact info and he doesn't know anything about where we are bec/ it's safest this way. There are times when I'm still amazed that he couldn't even care enough to contact me via phone to find out how Lora Kate is. I know it's probably best this way but it boggles my mind and takes me by such shock that someone could just really not care and not make ANY effort. I am aware that he has a serious illness. It took a long time for me to think of it that way but it is a serious illness that he just can't get a grasp on and unfortunately, probably never will. This is probably the result of a lot of the events and circumstances in his life over his entire 29 years. However, it's still hard to completely comprehend or be sympathetic too. Sympathetic I definitely was for what many may say way too long. However, sympathy is no longer there.

There will be questions in the coming year or so and I'm not yet prepared for how to answer all of those. I won't degrade him or talk bad about him but I'm working towards facing these days with Lora Kate in a way that will not hurt or confuse her. It's a very hard and heart wrenching thing to have to face but I know that God will help me find the right words and the right ways of saying what needs to be said.

Father's Day was much easier this year than last and I am sure that as the years progess it will only get easier. My Daddy is wonderful to Lora Kate and she loves her 'Andy'. She also loves Jason. Jason is crazy about her and the two of them together warms my heart like nothing I've ever seen. The future appears to be very bright for us and I'm so blessed to have him in my life and in the life of my daughter, treating her as his own and loving her so much right along with me. It's more than I could have ever asked for and more than I ever thought I could have possibly found.

I got to work this morning and had an email from a friend. I want to share that email because it was very thoughtful. And, yes, it made me cry. Lara and I don't talk all that much bec/ we are so busy but we've been friends all of our lives and her little girl, Ella, is about 4 months older than Lora Kate. The email goes...

Hey girl,
How are you? I hope y’all had a great weekend. I was thinking about you a lot this weekend w/ it being Father’s Day and with LK. I hope this is not out of line to write this but I know you often have thought about Michael and LK and all that stuff… but I just wanted you to know what a great mom you are and how loved LK and that is most important thing. I hope this makes sense what I’m trying to say!! I hope you have a great week!
Love,Lara

Thank you Lara! I thought this was so sweet and so thoughtful!! I'm so blessed to have people like this in my life who so unselfishly think about me on the day of celebration of a 'father' that is not present in our life...but thankfully so and by the grace of God we couldn't ask for more than we've already been blessed with.